I think that’s been my summer. It’s like I’m watching myself through everything. Detaching. I didn’t ever want to really, but I am somehow numb to all that’s going on lately. I’m scared that one day it’s going to all just come crashing down on me and I’m going to suffocate under all of it. But hey, that hasn’t happened yet.

In Rent, Rodger calls Mark out when he acts like this, “Mark has got his work, they say ‘Mark lives for his work,’ and Mark’s in love with his work, Mark hides in his work… You’re always preaching not to be numb when it’s how you thrive. You pretend to create and observe when you really detach from feeling alive.”

I wonder what I’m hiding behind. Even more so, I wonder what I’m hiding from.

As other things pile mercilessly on top of this.

I’ll eventually be okay.

I know that.

But this… Feeling. This gap that’s twisted it’s way into my heart. This longing for really only one person… It needs a fill. It needs something solid so I can stop clinging to this.

I cannot say that I was ready for this

But when worlds collide

And all that I have is all that I want

The words seem to flow and the thoughts they keep running

All that I have is yours

All that I am is yours

Painted skies

I’ve seen so many that cannot compare

To your ocean eyes

The pictures you drew that cover your room

And it was just like the sun but more like the moon

A love that can reach it all

So now I’ve landed from taking the fall

So when you say forever

Can’t you see?

You’ve already captured me

This defines life for me.

Nick: Kay. Gotta get money first.

*after money and coffee exist whilst standing on opposite sides of Game Stop*

*Coco and Nick make eye contact*

Coco: *sip*

Nick: [at the same moment] *sip*

Coco: *sets down cup*

Nick: [again at the same time] *sets down cup*

Coco: *big smile*

Nick: *simultaneous big smile*

Luke: You guys are ridiculous.

And not exactly thrilled about it.

I went hiking today with my friend Preston. It was gorgeous out at Mission Trails and we walked about 2 1/2 miles out to this canyon where we sat and talked about lots of things. Mainly books and college and theatre and futureness. It was way rad. I just got mega sunburnt. Painful, but it was a fun time.

Then I hung out with Kevin and Nick and watched like, 6 episodes of The Office. Love those boys. They make me smile. :]

Anyway, my soul feels better lately. Less bitter and broken. Not optimistic or anything, but better. I’ve decided to just let things happen as they may and not try so hard to make them happen. I’ve got a lot going for me. Incredible friends, lots of good college options; I’m strong. I forget that I’m strong sometimes. I know what I can handle and what I can’t. I know what I want and what I need and how they differ. I know the Lord will take care of me no matter where I find myself in the next year. That’s a good feeling.

Anyway, what are your plans for beautiful July 4th?

Which sucks when you’re sitting in your living room and realize… Damn. I have to figure this out. I can’t stay like this or I’ll kill myself.

So where do I even begin figuring myself out? Why I’m sad. Why I’m angry. Why I’m melancholy. Why I don’t answer the phone or reply to messages. Why I choose to sleep instead of get up and do anything…

I need to get out of this. Where do I start?

So many decisions to make… Do I retake my SAT for a better writing score? What subject tests do I take? Is the ACT necessary? How much money do I even have for this?

Not to mention, where do I go? Do I stay here? Do I take off at 18 and go across the country to go to an arts school? Do I go to LA to pursue the acting thing during school? Do I do two years at State or UCSD or shoot for 4 years at a private school somewhere far away?

And all these decisions have to be made like, now.

Then after that it’s what do I do? Double Major? Major in Theatre and starve? Give up the dream so that I can live comfortably? Take on two majors so I can do both? Am I comfortable leaving? Do I have the money to leave?

Dear Lord, please guide me here. I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know where to go or who I’m supposed to become and I don’t feel stable enough to make that decision on my own.

But I have to. For once, no one can tell me exactly what to do with my life. I have to make these choices on my own. As a big girl. Scary.

But still, damn. That hurt.

That sounds so cynical coming from me, but hear me out. From the time we’re born we’re shown these Disney movies where the prince comes and saves the princess from the step-sisters or the dragon or the wicked witch. Then as we get older we fall into the “PG” movies where the girl likes one boy, who then turns into a jerk, but then she finds that her best friend is in love with her and she realizes she loved him all along and they live happily ever after. Then around the time Jr. High rolls around we get to the fall in like, go on date, engage in a one night stand, get in a fight over something, turn life around, try to forget about him, but when he comes back at the end of the movie the girl will without a doubt fall back into his arms as he promises to be hers for all eternity.

Has any of this ever happened to anyone? I mean… In my life I tend to fall for my best friend, but why wreck a friendship with something that can’t last? However, when I fall for the guy I meet at random, I always seem to feel awkward talking about anything real to them… I haven’t ever had a one night stand, but making out with a random stranger isn’t as appealing as it may sound… That’s a Disney taught moral too; that it takes an hour to fall madly and passionately in love.

I mean, I want love. More than anything I want to look at someone one day and know that they will be the single greatest adventure that I get to spend the rest of my life having. But how am I supposed to attain that if the only picture of love I’ve ever gotten is from the movies? Real life isn’t like that.

But I want to be swept off my feet. I want an adventure. I want to feel that total ecstasy you feel when you fall head over heels for a person and you find out that they feel the same way.

I want fireworks and coffee at 2am and songs and pictures. I want my moment. That fairytale moment.

Does it even exist?